I was having a nightmare. I was being attacked. I tried to scream, but no sound came out of my mouth. I was terrified. I tried to fight back, but my body froze up. It was a feeling of complete powerlessness. It was a man on top of me, hurting me, I was frozen. I woke up again in the middle of the night afraid unable to go back to sleep. It was 2005, I started to have that dream over and over; every night I woke up terrified. That was the same year I met him. Then the dreams stopped.
He wore a shirt that said, ‘Mr. Happy’. He projected this personality to the outside world that was very different from the cold, manipulative and cruel behaviors that he would show at home. I loved him deeply. I gave birth to my son in 2009.
No one taught me what to do once physical abuse starts coming from someone you love. It was the most difficult and harrowing experience that I have ever gone through.
It started with verbal abuse. It came in waves, and he always found a way to blame me for what happened. It was always my fault. He would tell me I was being a ‘bad girl’ then he would just lash out physically because he was mad at something ‘I did’ with no warning. Getting yelled at and called names, followed by blaming, manipulation, lies and physically lashing out was a part of life.
I was embarrassed and afraid to tell people, so I told no one. I remember thinking, ‘What will they think of me?’ The names he called me, the yelling, the physical assault just became something I got used to. It became normal after awhile. I didn’t realize there was a part of me inside that was dying because I numbed myself… mostly with food and tobacco.
He always blamed me for something I had done to ‘provoke’ him. It was because of my ‘attitude’ that I deserved it. Even though I knew something was very wrong, and I knew deep down that I didn’t do anything that deserved the abuse I received, I just took it. I knew he had been beaten as a child. He came from a rough background. I always felt I had it easier than him. My childhood was perfect. I felt bad for him. I just focused on forgiving him and supporting my child. The cycle continued.
When I finally did begin to tell him that what he was doing was abuse, he denied it. That really had power over me at that time. It silenced me. I was disconnected from my own truth, because I was so invested in his truth that I lost myself in it. I knew something was wrong, I felt it in every cell of my body, but if you would have asked me what was wrong, I would have NEVER said I was being abused. It is because it was verbal and emotional, and the physical abuse was only once in a while. It was a perfect cocktail to keep me silent, afraid and led me into feelings of powerlessness. I finally starting telling little bits to people, because I felt myself getting worn down. I could feel I was no longer myself. I told my mom, ‘It’s like I’m in a bad movie and I can’t get out.’ It wasn’t all bad, there were happy days. We smiled together, there was love.
It took 5 years until I called the police the first time. But I was scared and took no action. Two years later I finally found the courage to call the police again. He had tried to choke me and I lost conciousness and then completely denied that he did anything. I feared he was blacking out from drinking, and I was starting to see myself as this shell of a human being. I filed a restraining order. He assaulted me again, in front of my son. I called the police, but they told me that if they reported that he had hit me, they would have to bring him to jail. He had already spent time in jail, I could not send him back to jail. I did not have it in my heart. I thought I was being strong by not saying anything. I thought I was protecting my family by not saying anything.
I feared being perceived as weak, then, because of my lack of action, I weakened myself more. I lost my voice because I chose to be afraid for so long and say nothing. When the time finally came for me to speak up, I opened my mouth, but the words did not come out.
After the police came court, investigators, lawyers. I didn’t know how to talk about what had happened, because I had spent so long saying nothing. It was hard for words to come out, and when they did, it was often filled with so much emotion that I was not clearly communicating when I needed to do it the most. Because I did not speak up for so long, and because I was visibly emotional when I did report all that had happened, I was told that I wasn’t a ‘credible witness’ and that my ‘passivity’ in reporting the abuse was a problem. I deeply feared my son was in danger and at risk with him.
He continued to lie throughout the experience with the court and investigators and denied the abuse over and over. He made up very detailed stories denying the abuse, and created very manipulative lies about my character to position himself favorably. I was told, “Unfortunately, many women make up domestic violence charges, so women are often not believed unless there is outside evidence to support it”.
Interestingly, it has been through the court process that my voice came back. I had the opportunity to share what really happened and to report my concerns about the safety of my son to people who understood law. I learned what protection I was provided by the government, and I also learned that true justice does not take place in the courtroom, and the protection I thought my child would receive once I spoke out did not happen.
Through it all my connection with God and with the divine spirit that is present through my breath every minute of every day strengthened into what felt like an indestructible bond. When I decided to start talking about it God flowed into my life with such a great presence that I felt with every cell of my body; I am protected, my son is protected and all is well. Over and over again I was led to this message; from Isaiah 40 in the Bible: ‘Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ Every day, I surrendered to God, I had an unshakable trust that I was going to be ok, that my son was going to be ok, that we were being protected by a higher power. That didn’t mean I was going to stop being vigilent with reporting everything to the court, it meant, that I would report it, then surrender the outcome and trust that we would be protected.
It has been a deeply powerful reminder that fear is an indication I need to snuggle closer with God. In my hardest moments, when I pray I continue to be guided with clarity and vision, stronger than I have ever had before. I am reminded I am going to be stronger because of this and my son is here on Earth to learn from me. I am reminded that my strength comes from my practice. As I breath the light of God through my body every day and surrender to the cosmic flow that created this experience for me, I remember that this experience is here to support the unfolding of my highest self.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse affects our minds in ways that we can’t see. Trauma is invisible. You can’t see it from the outside. Even though it was in the court system that I found my voice, it has been my healing practices that helped me to release my trauma and fear and that ultimately gave me the strength and clarity to speak up. Energy healing has been the practice that has brought me through all of this and in the most beautiful way possible. I am stronger, clearer and filled with more hope and optimism than I have ever had. I feel lighter than ever before, I feel younger, I feel more full of life. I feel like I have been given my life back. It is like committing to a daily exercise practice, but for my mind, for my emotions and for my energy field. I have surrendered to this practice and it has helped me release my story to God, embrace my truth and regain the strength and clarity I needed to speak up.
Peace can be found in the depths of despair and in the most intense pain when you can let go of the sensations of your body and the stories you allow yourself to repeat in your mind and be with the holiness of the present moment. The key is to think of it like a sit up. You can’t just do one, but each one is equally important. You have to do sets of 20 – 100 sit-ups several times a week for your entire life to have a strong core forever.
This is my go-to daily practice I have had for the last 8 years for finding peace in pain, fear or anger ♡ Some days I do it for 5 minutes, some days I am in the practice for an hour, because I have so much to work through. I did this over and over again through 10 hours of childbirth to release the pain with no drugs also 🙂 I use a variation of this every single day, usually whenever I feel like I need it, or before I start a task like working, cleaning, or before teaching or attending an event. Think of it like touching up your make-up. Instead, you are touching up your energy field.
Meditation for Release of Negative Emotion
To begin simply breathe deeply in and out in silence with your feet flat on Mother Earth. Turn towards the sun, or visualize the rays of the sun warming your face. As you breathe deeply in and out allow to come to mind an experience you have had on earth that brings you feelings of joy. I always visualize the sun shining down on me, because that works for me, and it always brings me joy 🙂 Allow yourself to feel that joy again. Give thanks to Mother Earth and feel her love come back up to you as you visualize the love of Mother Earth coming up from the roots of your feet and flooding every cell in your body. As feelings of fear or pain emerge, simply continue breathing. As thoughts come, let the thoughts go and bring your attention back to breathing the warm light of the sun through your body. Disconnect from the story surrounding your pain or fear. Just focus on breathing in and out. Visualize the light dissolving all not of the light in your body. Do this for as long as you need to until you feel a release in the negative emotion or physical pain.
The deepest wounds were not physical, they were emotional. It emotionally hurt me that he never admitted to or apologized for the abuse. I blamed myself for endangering my child’s wellbeing by allowing the abuse to go on without speaking up about it. I prayed for forgiveness. I started with a daily forgiveness practice for myself. I started saying out loud to myself, I forgive you. I said it many times throughout the day in the beginning. I would, in meditation with my angelic guides, ask to forgive anyone else in my life that would appear during my meditations. I practiced alot of forgiveness. Whenever I was led in my forgiveness practice to the person I needed to forgive the most, he appeared over and over. My favorite practice is from an audiobook by Steven Thayer, the man who created IET, Integrated Energy Therapy entitled, Healing with the Energy of Angels. It is a 4 hour workshop to connect with your angels that centers around forgiveness. Connecting with my angels and forgiving daily was what got me through my lowest vibrational moments.
As I listened to the stories of other men who have been abusive over the past year which have been out there in the media and through the research I have been doing about the treatment of women during the Atlantian and Lemurian times I realized that many women on earth right now are finding themselves in similar energetic situations where abuse has taken place for hundreds, and likely thousands of years. It statistically happens most often with those people closest to us, and the pattern is one that happens over and over. We are here to find our voices again together. We are here to support each other. When I realized that the abuse and the behavior surrounding it were patterns in the behavior of humans, that helped me to forgive. I have started to practice forgiveness on a larger level. Some people can’t admit it. Some people can. It’s just a weakness that is common. All men need our forgiveness, whether they can admit it or not. We may never get the apology we are looking for. I started finding even more forgiveness once I allowed my heart to be warmed by the men that could speak with truth about their abusive behavior. Dr. Dre’s apology, in the The Defiant Ones spoke to me the most 🙂 I have included this clip below, the entire series is on HBO and it is a gem 🙂
I hope if you have found yourself or someone you know in this situation you find your own way to strengthen yourself, open your heart, speak your truth and continue the process of forgiveness. The greatest power we have is to heal ourselves, and life is always giving us experiences to heal from. We are all here to ascend in conciousness. The process is not always a feel good one. I am shown the fruits of my practice in my darkest moments and I hope this story inspires you to deepen and commit to your own healing practice!